It was December 31st, 2014. A new year was dawning and I was ticked off. Some of my friends had had awesome years and were bragging about it on my Facebook Newsfeed. Pathetic.
I wanted to prove that I wasn’t a loser (like them) whoring on Facebook for likes and recognition. To do that, I spent 40 minutes of researching, editing, adding @ mentions, and emoticons to a Facebook status from Frodo’s point of view after his year saving Middle Earth.* At the end of all of it, no one liked my status for like 10 minutes. I was horrified. I was just left hanging there refreshing the page, panting for anyone (ANYONE) to notice how funny I was.
It was a sad experience, which I’m glad I get to share now. Here’s what I learned.
- There is no reason to spend more than 10 minutes writing a Facebook status. You will be less of a person after you post it.
- Even 13 Facebook likes doesn’t erase the pain of the minutes that ticked by with no likes.
- I am a loser.
- When you need to do research for a Facebook status and you’re not a media company, you should be doing something else.
- Instead of refreshing your Facebook page to see if anyone’s liked your post, do anything else.
- If writing something funny isn’t enough to be its own reward, then maybe you should think about doing something else.
- Keep your funny Facebook statuses low in character count, because it cuts out on the newsfeed and people might not want to look beneath the fold.
- I’d forgotten a lot about The Lord of the Rings.
- The Dark Lord is in all of us.
- Likes are a drug. Don’t abuse them.
- Remember what Gandalf said: FLY, YOU FOOLS (this is in reference to whether or not you should check Facebook again)
- No one cares. You shouldn’t care. You care far more about this than anyone else does.
- Facebook is kind of like the One ring. It’s powerful but it makes you invisible.
- Sometimes you become like the thing you hate if you try to make fun of it. It’s like when Gandalf said that those who tried to study the dark arts became enamored with them and were thus ensnared in the trap. Or maybe that was Jesus.
- If likes mean that much to you, it’s time to do something (anything) else. (ANYTHING) (FLY YOU FOOL).
- Maybe losing a digit a la Smeagol wouldn’t be the worst thing to get some perspective.
- Perspective is so soothing but so difficult to get sometimes. Reading the news might help. Or The Lord of the Rings. Think about what they had to struggle through in one of the greatest wars of all time.
*Here is the status. Note: I know that in the books it actually takes Frodo more than one year to do all of this, but I’m following the timeline from the movies. Sue me, nerds.
“Okay okay, I’ll do the whole my year in review thing. Here goes.
In 2014, I:
Mourned the sudden disappearance of my mad-cap uncle.
Found out he had been in possession of the one ring, which was now mine and more dangerous than anything I’d ever known before.
Learned of the growing power of THE DARK LORD.
Found out what Nazgul were and left my homeland to flee those mother-effers.
Got stabbed in the shoulder with a cursed knife. I should have died but I miraculously survived. (HOBBIT STRENGTH).
Visited Rivendell for the first time (very beautiful!).
Escaped from an orc hord deep beneath the earth and thought I lost one of my best friends (Gandalf you fool :P)
Slept in a treehouse in Lothlorien (thanks Airbnb)
Was betrayed by someone I really trusted (RIP Boromir, Captain of Gondor)
Learned how to be friends with people from different backgrounds than me (RIP @Gollum)
Spent some magical nights camping. Thanks @Sam for your great cooking (mmmm po-ta-toes)
Was injected with poison, wrapped in a web, and almost eaten by a gigantic man-eating spider (I’m looking at you @Shelob)
Threw that stupid ring into Mount Doom and saved Middle Earth!
Rode on the back of an gigantic, talking eagle.
Officiated @Aragorn’s coronation and wedding (@Arwen is such a catch)
Stopped by to see a lot of great friends on my way back home (@Eowyn, @Faramir, @Tom)
Most importantly, I made a lot of wonderful new friends! (@Aragorn, @Gimli, @Legolas) and had some wild times with old friends. I love you guys @Pippin @Merry, and especially you @Sam. I love you most of all.
This next year, I’m hoping to keep it pretty quiet! I was just elected Deputy Mayor, so we’ll see how that goes Sometimes I think I’ll just leave it all and head out to a beach somewhere. @Valinor, here I come! Happy New Year!”