Some people have a normal relationship with food. They eat of it when they are hungry, and they stop when they are full. It has never been their adversary.
This is not me.
For as long as I can remember, food has been an enemy. It is beguiling. It is attractive and tricky. It can make me do things that feel good that I later regret. For me, it has been a substance.
I don’t know why this is. For a long time I thought something was morally wrong with me, as if I’d chosen to feel this way. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that no—this isn’t my fault.
It’s not my fault that certain foods trigger addictive behavior, which then starts a terrible circle of overeating and shame.
But I am learning that that doesn’t have to be me, that even though I might never have the relationship that other people have with food, that I can notice what makes me feel good and what makes me feel shitty and that I can choose to eat in certain ways that will help me.
I am not a health expert and I have no formal training in nutrition, but to help me stay sane, I am learning how to deal with the specific way that I see food.
I am eating for peace, not for the peace of the world, but for my peace of mind. I am avoiding foods that cause me distress and cause me to lose control, and I am choosing foods that make me feel normal. This is my way of fucking the patriarchy.
For me, this means choosing to:
- Avoid all sweets and sugar (including ice cream and fruit)
- Avoid drinking too much (because binge eating while drunk is something that happens)
- Avoid salty, crunchy snack foods
- Avoid calorie counting
With this, I’ve been able to eat and not think about food constantly. Food is off my mind. Well, kind of. It’s off my mind more than not. I’m not anticipating it or regretting it. This is how I can eat for peace.
Obviously I’m not perfect and sometimes I do something that feels good but is ultimately not in my self-interest, but that doesn’t mean I’m a failure. It just means I’m a human bean that fucks up sometimes.
Some people can eat whatever they want and it doesn’t control them. For my purposes, they are aliens. That is an alien experience to me and I cannot use it as a way to understand my own.
I’m eating for my peace, not for anyone else’s.